What a crappy,crappy day

...What God giveth, He taketh away... How stupid that I got all of my hopes up about this school year. I was hoping to have a new chance, to start afresh being "his" friend and work up to girlfriend. I thought God was showing me that it was okay, that I actually had a chance to like him. But like the old proverb, what he gives, he's gonna take away. I don't think I am content to be a friend anymore, but what else can I do? I'm not going to go spout off to him my undying love, he'd think I'm insane. In fact, I think I am insane. So here is my chance to tell him my feelings without really telling him...here it goes.....I love you, and when I think about it, I think I always have. It's just been really hard to admit to myself. You brighten my day whenever I see you and I would do anything to see you happy, no matter what the cost to myself. You may not believe it, but look at all the past experiences we've had and tell me you can't tell my feelings for you. I love you for your smile, your laugh, that just-tousled hair, and most of all, your Christianity. Your fire for the God we've never even seen, but have felt, the way you lift up your hands in silent prayer, and the way you preach about hte word with such authority...I love you and the sad thing is no one is ever going to know, you are never going to know, and I am going to continue being your friend for as long as I live.

Dreams

I always listen to all these people talk about when they were younger they wanted to travel, see the world, go to college out of state, etc., but then something happened and they never could and they always regretted never making their dreams come true. Like them, I want to leave this po-dunk little town and see the world, but unlike them I will succeed and make my dreams come true. It used to be that I felt like my mom was trying to squash my dream and was vying for me to fail. But I vowed that I would never end up like that, ever. I am the most determined person I know, and the most headstrong so there is no way I am going to let stupid comments get me down. I'm learning German right now and will continue taking it all four years of high school. Junior and Senior year I will start taking Spanish in place of an off-campus period and take that in college also. The summer after I graduate I will backpack through Europe and if I like it enough I will move there after college. I would like to learn French and Italian in college so I will be able to communicate most anywhere in Europe. I will get away from all of this and if anyone tries to stop me, I'll make sure to never come back.

Love Sucks

I'm falling in love with you and you have no idea, I am just a best friend in your eyes. But sometimes I feel like we can't even be that anymore because it's wrong for me to even think of you that way because you are taken by another of my best friends. You'd think I'd know enough to leave well enough alone and just be that friend you need. But what if I want more? Shouldn't that count for something? Shouldn't I count for something? I may love you, but I hate what you do to me and my feelings. I know you are probably not aware that I feel like you string me along and then cut me off, leaving to myself once again. But once I look at you, and wonder if you would do that to me, I know you are not the kind of person to do that. It is always on the tip of my tounge, to tell you that I can't be your friend, because you have a wonderful relationship and I would never do anything to mess that up, no matter that my feelings get trampled on in the processs. But I can't because there is no reason to cut our friendship short because I can't keep my feelings in check. The sad thing is, is that I love you and you will never know.

Moving On

The quiet pitter-patter of rain on the roof,
Is the sound that consumes the night.
Black and white images flash through my head,
Telling me the wretched tale of life.
…………………………………….
The first image is one of a mom and dad,
Yelling and screaming cruel words at one another,
Then the father strikes out at the mom,
While the little girl watches helplessly from the hallway.
……………………………………
The second image is one of the father,
Sitting in his recliner,
Having drink after drink till he becomes so intoxicated,
He passes out on the floor.
……………………………………
One after another the images go,
With each one the tears just keep welling up,
Threatening to spill over these weary eyes,
That have seen too much in their fifteen years.
……………………………………
Here I sit wondering why fate could have been so cruel,
As to have someone grow up in a life like that.
But life has moved on and so have I,
Because this little girl is all grown-up.