Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Hanging By A Moment

Desperate for changing/starving for truth/closer to where Istarted/chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you/Letting go of all I've held onto/I'm standing here until you make me move/I'm hanging by a moment here with you/Forgetting all I'm lacking/completely imcomplete/I'll take your invitation/you take all of me/Now I'm falling even more in love with you/Letting go of all I've held onto/I'm standing here until you make me move/I'm hanging by a moment here with you/I'm living for the only thing I know/I'm running and not quite sure where to go/And I don't know what I'm diving into/Just hanging by a moment here with you/There is nothing else to lose/There is nothing else to find/There is nothing in the world/that could change my mind/There is nothing else/There is nothing else/There is nothing else/Desperate for changing/starving for truth/closer to where I started/chasing after you/
I'm falling even more in love with you/Letting go of all I've held onto/I'm standing here until you make me move/I'm hanging by a moment here with you/I'm living for the only thing I know/I'm running and not quite sure where to go/And I don't know what I'm diving into/Just hanging by a moment here with you/
Just hanging by a moment/Hanging by a moment/Hanging by a moment/Hanging by a moment here with you/


I hurt him...and I don't know what to do...It feels like I ripped his heart open and I didn't even mean to...He's the one that always talks about when we'll break up, or his ex-girlfriends...so what am I supposed to do? I built this wall up, brick by brick, about how I would be ok when we broke up. No crying, nothing, everything would be fine. So again tonight, he says something about being worried about me and of course like the idiot I am, I spout off that "at one point I won't matter to you so there is no point in worrying about me..." and he just looks at me like I ran over his dog. It's that heart-wrenching, gut-heaving, I-can't-believe-you-just-said-that look, and I can feel myself dying a little. I never wanted to hurt him...I was just trying to stop myself from being hurt. Is that wrong? No, but it can be horrible because I just hurt the person that is beginning to mean the world to me...

Monday, June 12, 2006

The Pros and Cons of Breathing

Bury me standing under your window/with this cinder block in hand/Yeah cause no one will ever feel like this again/And if I could move/I'm sure it would only be to crawl/back to you/ must have dragged my guts a block/...they were gone by the time we/(talked)...I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself/But you know that I could crush you with my voice/Stood on my roof and tried to see you/forgetting about me/Hide the details I don't want to know a thing/I hate the way you say my name/like it's something secret/My pen is the barrel of the gun.../Remind me which side you should be on/I wish that I was as invisible as you make me feel.

I don't like being confined. I never have. I am not clingy, I am not easily jealous, I will NOT put my arm around you or my hand in yours just because a girl is "checking you out"...if she really mattered, you wouldn't be with me. Duh. It's hard because I don't want to spend every waking moment with you...I don't want to spend every waking moment with anyone...I don't care who in the heck you think you are. Yes it's hard when we spend time apart, because I miss you...your voice, your smile, your hug, your smell, but that does not mean that you should not go and do things without me. I am certainly not stopping myself from doing things without you. I am independent, I rarely rely on anyone to do things for me...so don't feel bad when I pay for things, I know you can't. You can say that all your money will go to me once you get a job, but I don't want it to be that way. I don't care about paying...you are the one having a conniption. It's not like I hate being around you, I just need some time alone to do stuff. This for example. And I can't because when you are over I focus on you so you know I love you and that I pay attention to things you are saying. When I get quiet, I am not mad, I am just quiet. Don't keep asking what is wrong because nothing is...but something will be if you keep asking. If something was wrong I would tell you. Don't spend time worrying about me cheating on you...I mean seriously, who in the heck am I going to cheat on you with? When I hug you for long periods of time it's because I want to be held, not because I am sad or something is wrong. Again with the whole 'I would tell you if something was wrong' bit. I hate that I am ranting right now, but I have been thinking about this stuff for a while. So I don't know what to tell you...I wish that you would just understand these things automatically. But I know that that is not the way it works, no matter how much I wish it would work that way. I love you, never forget that...I am not saying these things to be mean or spiteful...I am saying them because I don't want to blow up at some random moment over something stupid. If we are going to fight, at least let it be over something important and not something that doesn't really even matter.

Ok, I feel better now...